More Thoughts on Self-Image Issues

This is a topic I have struggled with a lot, lately. In my reflection on this issue, I have realized that one of my “beefs” with the gay scene is the utter shallowness and superficiality of it all. It is all about how toned you are, and how well you dress, and how physically attractive you are. Which, is a natural consequence of pursuing a desire which is based in the shallow drive of lust. It is also an attempt to bolster self-esteem by elevating oneself above another by virtue of one’s physical appearance and association with other “good-looking” individuals. Granted, I struggle with this issue because I don’t fit into the “adonis” category or even the “boy-next-door” category, and perhaps I might be less inclined to consider the superficiality of it all, if I did fit into those categories. I would hope that my integrity as a human being and as a child of God would lead me to the same conclusion, though… that there is little room in the typical gay scene for those who aren’t GQ material–evidence of its worldly and depthless foundations. It is interesting to note that many of the people in the gay community who are campaigning for the opportunity to be seen as equals do not even regard each other as such.

Anyway, because of this emphasis on looks, many of the mistakes I have made have been quite damaging to my self-image. I find myself constantly comparing myself to other men, wishing I was leaner, more athletic, taller, tanner, more articulate and so on… I box myself in to some sort of social strata based on my own looks compared to others, and I feel uncomfortable interacting with those who I feel are more attractive than I am. I am realizing how unfortunate this is. I rob myself of opportunities and healthy, rewarding relationships because I can’t get past my own insecurities. A quote from a talk by Merril J. Christiansen helped me understand this issue:

“Comparison of our weaknesses with others’ talents or of our talents with those who are truly gifted can be discouraging and may decrease our sense of self-worth. Such comparison may lead to the sins of envy and ingratitude as we focus on and fret about what we don’t have rather than on what we have been given. Compulsive comparison can rob us of the enjoyment we might still experience in the expression of the talents we have been given and in the talents of others. The ability to rejoice in the successes and talents of others increases our capacity for happiness and joy as we experience those feelings each time someone we know succeeds.”

He also says:

“Those who view their contemporaries as competitors to be beaten rather than as brothers and sisters to be served often believe that others’ successes diminish their own. They are therefore more apt to find and point out faults of those around them. Such critics run the risk of losing friends, who may wonder what the critic says to others about them. In contrast, we are commanded not only to “cease to find fault one with another” (D&C 88:124) but also to “strengthen your brethren in all your conversation” (D&C 108:7).”

Despite the fact that he references talent and ability, rather than physical attributes, the lesson can be applied the same. By comparing myself to others, I am robbing myself of the joy of being myself, and of truly seeing and appreciating the best in others. Regardless of whether I see myself as more or less attractive (or more or less talented) than someone, I should regard them and treat them as the Savior would. The Kingdom of God is deep and eternal, and there is room for all of God’s children. I can be tall or short, chubby or slender, tan or freckled… I will still be loved and appreciated and valued.

Crash and Burn…and Learn

I had a “crash and burn” day today. Things had been going really well. But, for some reason, I had some very strong feelings of self-doubt that I couldn’t shake. Instead of working through the feelings, I shut out the pain and acted out. It was a bad spell, too. I didn’t go to class, and I got almost nothing accomplished today. After acting out, I felt terrible. My recent efforts seemed all for naught, and I considered retreating back into apathy and indifference. But, with a little reflection, and the help of good friends with whom I was able to talk about what happened, I feel like I can use today as a learning experience.

First of all, the healing process is a PROCESS. Its not going to happen all at once. And I need to be aware of the progress I’m making and maintain a positive attitude. I also thought about my commitment to the healing process. Do I really want to change my behavior? Am I willing to do what it takes? Am I willing to give up the things that are making me unhappy, despite the fact that they bring me temporary pleasure? I need to make healing a priority and be proactive in seeking the healing power of the Atonement. In addition, I learned today about the power of asking for help. I could have very easily fallen back into another slump today. But, the wonderful people that I turned to were able to help me see past this, and realize that there’s still hope for change. I guess the important thing in all of this is that, in spite of a rough day today, I’m going to keep moving, and I’m going to be okay.

Holy Holy Holy

This song brought me a lot of comfort the other day. I was able to simply forget myself and reflect on the glory of God. Things haven’t been easy lately, but I wonder if I might take that as a good sign. I am coming out of a long period of apathy. Things are easy when you’re apathetic. But, apathy has no other reward. The lack of pain also brings with it a lack of joy, a lack of love, a lack of genuine feeling. I have many things to repent of, and the apathy was meant to be a refuge from the shame and hurt caused by these things. I still have many miles to go on the path of repentance, but this simple song of praise was a much needed reminder that I don’t have to be perfect or at any certain point along the path to praise my God or to show gratitude for His everlasting mercy.

I have been inconceivably blessed. There are days when I curse the fact that I must deal with this issue. And then Heavenly Father reminds me that I don’t have to do it alone. I have some wonderful people in my life to support me. And He always knows when I might need a friendly text or a chance meeting with a friend on campus. I usually withdraw when I’m feeling ashamed and depressed, but I’ve discovered just how important it is to reach out and ask for help at those times. Not only from friends, but from Heavenly Father. Expressing what I’m feeling and thinking to someone who genuinely cares is essential to preventing the slumps that I’ve been getting myself into.

Like I said before, things haven’t been easy, but I feel so much better for trying.

Things on My Mind…

I just have a few random things on my mind…

I’ve been feeling much better in the past few days, as opposed to the slump I have been in lately.  Several different things have happened that have changed my perspective on things.  I’ve been trying to make some new friends.  For the past while I have been relying on a few close friends for my social life, especially my roommate.  Now, my roommate is one of my best friends, but we have a really different relationship.  We don’t really talk about anything.  He’s never told me, but I know for a fact he suffers from depression.  He doesn’t respond well to questions and usually cuts people off if they ask what is wrong.  And, on my end, I have never told him about my struggles with SSA, and I’m not sure if I ever will.  Anyway, I’m not sure if he has stopped taking his medication, or what the deal is, but all he ever does is sleep or watch TV when he’s not in class.  I have tried to help him get out and be active, but there’s only so much I can do, and its been bringing me down a lot as well.  Not that I’m blaming him, but when I’m going through my own struggles and I’m around someone who is depressed, it doesn’t do me a whole lot of favors.  So, I’ve been trying to make some new friends and get out more.  I struggle making friends, since I am a pretty introverted person, but the effort has helped quite a bit.

For a while, however, I felt pretty close to giving up.  Not really giving up as in going out and finding a boyfriend, but giving up by no longer trying.  No longer caring what is right and wrong.  But, I have felt slowly drawn back into the hopeful feeling that I can keep trying.  And this has led to several answers to my recent frustrations.  As I’ve started trying again and caring again, I’ve been happier.  I still struggle, but that feeling of emptiness and dark indifference has been greatly decreased.  I can see that trying is my answer.  As long as I’m trying, I will have help and will be able to find clarity.  Its only a step, but thats SO much better than where I have been.

I still have a lot of other random thoughts that I wanted to discuss, but I think I need to process them a bit more before I post anything on them.

You Ain’t Goin’ Nowhere

(thank you Bob Dylan)

I love rainy days, when I don’t have to be out in them. One of the reasons is the mood that descends which seems to naturally correspond with the weather. The mood is introspective, reflective, brooding, and oh, so human. I don’t know if there’s something wrong with me, or what, but I find such a release in this kind of mood.

Today, I have been in such a mood. However, the result has been more frustration than catharsis. The frustration is a result of a feeling of paralysis. I’m not moving in any direction right now. The frustration is quelled somewhat by simply identifying that fact. But, I keep thinking of the scripture where the Lord says “So then because thou art lukewarm and neither cold nor hot, I will spue thee out of my mouth.” (Rev. 3:16). I’ve been so lukewarm lately…simply surviving and existing, rather than living and choosing. I need to start making decisions. I have a lot more to say in this vein of thought, but I’m really having trouble finding a way to express what I mean…I’ll have to digest it some more and post again later.

Only somewhat related… I’ve been reading an excellent book. Its called, “The Art of Non-Conformity” by Chris Guillebeau. Now, I’ve never been one for “self-help” books, but this guy has some great ideas for living the kind of life that I’ve always imagined myself living… one that is chock full of life experience and doing good in the world. I highly recommend it. Check it out:

http://www.chrisguillebeau.com/

Self-Image Issues

There are days when I walk across campus and feel surrounded by good-looking guys. I feel terrible for looking at them. But, on top of that, I am plagued by the thought that, even if homosexuality was permissible, I wouldn’t have a chance with these guys anyway.

Now, I HATE admitting that I think that way. I feel like its important to have a healthy self-esteem, and I always get frustrated when I see other people who don’t think highly of themselves. But, when I look at myself, I have a hard time seeing myself as desirable.

As I’ve thought about my self-image, I’ve wondered if it has anything to do with the development of SSA. Now, I don’t know whether its nurture or nature, but I can see how it would be possible for me to develop an attitude of desire for something that I felt I lacked. I wasn’t athletic growing up, and I used to feel so disconnected from my male peers because I wasn’t good at sports and didn’t enjoy them. I long for that connection–to be able to consider myself as “one of the guys.” It seems especially difficult for me here in Provo, since there is this cookie-cutter image that I don’t fit into. On the one hand, I abhor the idea of fitting into that image, but it also feels kinda lonely out here on the peripheries.

I wish I could express this a bit better. I have just been thinking about this a lot, lately. I’d love to find a way to get past this issue. I know I have a lot to offer as a person. There are certain aspects of myself that I absolutely love. But, I have to admit that I have issues with my self-image.

Je Reviens

That’s right…I’m back.  It seems that sometimes I get tired of chronicling the cyclical struggles I undergo, but I always return, for some odd reason.

I had an enjoyable summer in the Last Frontier, again.  That is to say, Alaska, of course.  But, it wasn’t without its struggles.  And, foolishly (especially considering that I’ve thought this way many times before) I thought my emotional/mental/spiritual situation would improve with a different set of circumstances (i.e. being back at school).  Well, as always, that works for a few days or so, and then I’m back to where I was before, wondering how I’m ever going to get out of this cycle and be “reincarnated” as a better person.

I feel a little sheepish looking back at when I first began this blog.  I feel like I had so much hope back then.  Hope that, since I was finally working on acknowledging this to myself, it would start to get easier.  Now, I realize that it never gets any easier, and the point is to become stronger.  Unfortunately, I feel that I’ve become weaker.  I feel that in order to save myself from the shame and the pain, I have issued an “all-systems shut-down” to myself.  I think I’m making all this a little more dramatic than it is in reality, but still…

I return to where I always end up, I suppose… conceding to the fact that I don’t know what to do, and resolving to simply keep trying.  That’s all I can do.

Give Me Some Space

What a week this has been! I was in a major, MAJOR slump. I only went to two classes the entire week. But, I discovered that I have some great, supportive friends, including some new friends that I’ve made (you know who you are!). But, I am feeling a lot better today. Part of the reason I am feeling better is because of some great conversations I have had this past week that have helped me sort out some of my confusion. I’ve come to the realization that I REALLY just need to stop thinking about what others expect of me and find out what is best for me. I’ve been afraid to do this for a while, because when I step out of my normal routine, I feel like my family starts to freak out, thinking that I’m headed toward the dreaded gates of gayness. I just need some time and some space.   Some time to figure out what things really mean to me and where they belong in my life.  My life is like the current state of my room–pretty messy and disorganized.  Its time to do some spring cleaning!  My room could probably use some work too 🙂

The Things I Tell Myself

Let me be honest. I’m having a terrible day. Lately I’ve been making myself promises that I’ll do this or that, and I have let myself down a lot. I’m experiencing the pain of knowing that I’m not living up to what I know I should be doing. And that knowledge is just compounding, and making me upset with myself for not doing even the simplest things like homework, or getting up on time…not to mention all the bigger things I should be doing. I tell myself that things will get better, which I know they will, but I don’t do anything to make it happen. This is a pity post…I’m sorry. I could just use a hug.

I don’t know you…

I realize that this is an anonymous blog, so you don’t really know who I am…well, some of you do, but I would really be interested to know who actually takes the time to read this stuff.  I know of 3, and thats about it.  I’m just curious…so if you happen to stop by, leave a comment and say hello or say whatever you like.