Why not?

I feel stuck. I want to get out and go places. I want to do the cliche thing and take a year off and backpack across Europe. I think one of my goals in life is to be one of those interesting people that has a story about “that one time when I was in Tibet and saw the Dalai Lama.” But, not in annoying way, of course. In the kind of way that makes people say “that guy has been places.” But, here’s my dilemma. I’m poor. I have obligations. And, I know that being a world traveler is not going to solve all my problems. But, I want to experience other cultures and see the great monuments of the world. Ugh. This is mostly just a vomit post. I’m feeling very wanderlusty right now and I need to get it out somehow before I have to go to class. I also want to buy a nice camera and learn how to take great photographs. I want to decorate my future home with cool photographs of the places I’ve been. As I sit here and write this all down, I think to myself, “well, why don’t I just do it?” And I don’t know. I hope you can make some sort of sense of this.

Send Us the Cure, We’ve Got the Sickness Already

I’m sick.  No, really, I am.  I’ve had a really bad cough/cold/fever this week.  Not only has it been depressing to have to sit at home all day and wait to get better, but everything has just piled up.  I didn’t go to class, and I feel even more like a terrible student, now.  Not that there was anything I could do about it, though.  I also feel like a lot of the things I was making progress on (i.e. my organizational skills, my academic drive, life in general) were put on hold and now I’ve lost my motivation.  I was especially motivated after General Conference last weekend.  More motivated than I have been in a long time.  But, thats losing steam fast.

Also, I hate my job.

Now, I’m always one for keeping your chin up, or just sticking it out, or trying to maintain a general positive attitude about things.  But, this job is just not working for me.  I’ve had this p/t job doing maintenance at a hotel since last August.  I quit at the beginning of the summer so I could go to Alaska.  When I got back, they told me that they didn’t have enough hours to employ me consistently, but they would call me if they needed someone to fill in every once in a while.  Well, they called me.  One of the other employees had to leave town for 3 weeks for a family emergency.  That was fine.  But, its been three weeks, he’s still not back yet.  The shift is from 3 to 11pm, and I’ve been working 3-4 days a week.  I get out of class right at 3 and head straight to work.  Its exhausting.  I’ve also had to work the past 3 Sundays in row, which is frustrating.  And, they didn’t have my paycheck ready at the last payday, so I have to wait another 2 weeks.  When I called in sick the other day, my boss simply said, ” what am I supposed to do about it?”  I understand that he has no one else to fill in for me, but I don’t think it would be a smart idea for one of your employees to go about spreading disease throughout the hotel.

Wow.  I’m sorry you had to witness all that.  I’ll try to keep the posts a bit more positive than that, usually.  I guess I just had a few things on my mind.

Here it is…

Well, I said I would post an update, and here it is. I spent the summer working in Alaska, driving a tour bus. It was incredible. I look back, and still can’t believe how much fun it was. It was also a huge confidence booster. Everyday, I would get on a bus and tell people all about what they were seeing, and answer questions and just EXUDE confidence. I also made some great friends. GUY friends, actually. I’ve always been hung up about the fact that I have such a hard time making good guy friends. I mean, I’m not really into a lot of GUY things like sports or cars or stuff like that. But, the guys that I lived with over the summer have become great friends of mine. So, it IS possible.

But, now I’m back at school. I actually really enjoy my classes this semester, but I’m still struggling to find motivation some days. There are mornings when I wake up and just don’t want to even try. However, this is off-set by days when I am incredibly productive and entertain lofty goals of starting new healthy habits like running, or lifting weights or something like that. Of course, the whole SSA things weighs on my mind a lot. Sometimes thoughts of marriage or of dating and my lack of progress in those areas start to nag at me. Only when I remember that all I can do is take it a step at a time and leave the rest in the Lord’s hands, can I calm down and continue on with my life with confidence.

Through all this, however, I’m still trying. I had a reassurance the other day that things will work out, if I just keep trying. It was a warm and peaceful feeling that I hadn’t felt in a long time. So, I’ll keep trying.

I’m still here

Sorry it has been FOREVER since I have updated this thing. I don’t even know if anyone ever reads this thing. Anyway, I figure it is time for an update. I intend to do so soon, so stay tuned.

My “Coming Out” Story

I don’t know if I really like the term “coming out” because it implies embracing a homosexual lifestyle, but I use it more in the sense of acknowledging that my attraction to men is real, and more specifically, telling my parents about it.  

I have gone to many bishops and told them about my SGA.  (Actually, I think I’ve set a record…I’ve had 8 bishops in the past 2 years, and I’ve told every single one of them).  Only one of them ever suggested telling my parents, and I immediately rejected the idea.  I could barely acknowledge this to myself, let alone my mom and dad.

Then came the gauntlet of acknowledgment.  A number of experiences, which culminated in the purchase of “In Quiet Desperation,” an entire afternoon of cathartic weeping on my bed, and a comforting reassurance that I COULD make the choice to follow Christ and refrain from homosexual behavior, led me to feel like I should ultimately tell my parents.  I put it off for a while, while I continued to tackle a few issues that I was still struggling with emotionally and mentally.  But, I finally sat down and wrote my parents a LONG letter.  I chose to write it all out, instead of telling them face to face for a number of reasons.  First of all, my mother LOVES to dominate the conversation.  I felt like I had to make sure that I got everything out without any interruptions.  Also, it helped me to present it to them in an organized manner, where they could understand where I was coming from a lot more clearly.

The next weekend, I went home to see a good friend get back from his mission.  When my parents were dropping me off at the airport to send me back to Utah, I left the letter, along with a copy of “In Quiet Desperation” on the back seat, hoping that they would notice it before it slipped into the oblivion where the rest of the crap in my parents’ car goes.  I nearly had a panic attack on the flight home (thinking about that letter + fear of flying = NOT a fun situation).  

It was 3 long days before I heard anything back from them.  Finally, my mom called me early one morning and announced that they had found the letter.  She was in tears, and had nothing but love and support to give.  I was incredibly grateful for her response.  She and my dad decided to drop everything and drive up here that night.  It was nice to have them come up, but I think it was more for them than for me.  They kept me up most of the night asking questions, and my dad gave me a priesthood blessing.  Overall, it was more of a positive experience than I would ever have expected.

Granted, there have been times when I have regretted telling them.  My mom is great at holding things over people’s heads.  But, for the most part, it has brought me closer to my parents, opened up communication a lot more, and finally gotten them off my back about dating (sheesh!).  

On a side note, the other night, one of my roommates asked everyone in the room what they’re take on SGA in the church was, and I was pleasantly surprised.  They all seemed to understand the idea that homosexuality is NOT a choice that someone consciously makes, and that it is only the behavior is a sin.  They all said something to the effect of “its just like any other weakness that people deal with in this life.”  Bravo, my friends, bravo!  Although, one of my more narrow-minded roommates was not present, and I wonder how the conversation might have been different if he were there.  Anyway, I was just happy to hear that.

Does That Make Me Gay?

I had an interesting and comforting conversation with my little sister the other day. A while ago, I told her about the whole SGA thing…its actually quite an interesting story, and I’ll have to post about that soon, too. But, we were talking about all the semantics and stereotypes associated with SGA. I know that some people get upset when people refer to things as “gay.” I never really got offended at that, because I have never really felt that close of an association with that word. I told her that I sometimes chuckle to myself when I use that word. Its like my own inside joke. But, it was just fun to have a conversation with her about the issue that was relaxed and light-hearted. I asked her if she had ever suspected that I might deal with SGA. She responded that she had never really thought about it, but that it made sense when I told her. Why? I asked. Even though I have always considered myself to be fairly “straight” in my conduct, she proceeded to list off some of my favorite pastimes that sometimes are perceived as “gay.” So what if I like Audrey Hepburn movies? I enjoy a good trip to the mall! What of it? I’ve been in musicals, I enjoy rearranging the furniture in my room, I love neckties, cuff-links, and dressing well, and I can bake a mean apple pie or loaf of bread. Does that make me gay? I think not. I used to think that just because a guy did a certain thing, it usually meant he was gay, and so I tried to cut back on any activities that might designate me as such. I’ve realized that it doesn’t matter. I should just do what I love, and let people think what they want. I know who I am. Just because I’m attracted to men, and I know that you should NOT wear a striped shirt with plaid shorts, does NOT mean that I am gay. And that’s that.

One Date, and I Freak Out

I recently went on a date this past weekend. It was a lot of fun, and I really enjoyed spending time with the girl. But, it wasn’t any different than spending an evening with a good friend. It got me kinda worried–actually it pretty much freaked me out. I usually try not to spend too much time worrying about whether or not marriage will ever be a possibility for me, but its been on my mind a lot lately. I always thought that perhaps I just needed to go on more dates, or something to that effect. But, this date went really well…and I felt no motivation to take it any further.

Now, I usually like to make my posts pithy and valuable, but this one feels like its going to turn out a bit whiny and desperate–kinda like I’m just talking myself through all these thoughts running through my head. So, I apologize if this comes across as a worthless vent.

Even when I first started to acknowledge the fact that I deal with SSA, I maintained the hope and idea that someday, somehow, I would marry in the temple to a beautiful young woman. That hope seems to be waning. Maybe not so much the “hope” part of it–meaning that I still WANT it to happen, but I’m really starting to realistically consider, for the first time in my life, that it may NOT happen.

And who’s to say it WON’T happen? Perhaps what I am starting to realize is that I need to get used to the idea that its not a given. I’ve always seen it as a given: grow up, go on a mission, go to college, get married, and live happily ever after, right?

In my world religions class, we recently learned about a concept in Taoism called “Wu-wei.” My professor explained it to us as a way of accepting the hand that life deals to you. Don’t ask why. Don’t fight against the path that is being laid out for you. I have started thinking about SSA in this light since then. I don’t think it means giving in, and embracing immoral behaviors. Far from it! I believe it means that I need to refrain from questioning “why me?” and strive to extract all the wisdom, knowledge, and experience I can gain from this situation. My professor put it this way–if you get cancer, wu-wei does not mean refusing to be treated, so that nature can take its course. It means accepting the fact that you have cancer and taking what you can from it. If I don’t get married in this life, perhaps there is something I am meant to gain from being celibate. I think it is also important to accept the pain and heartache that might accompany such a situation, but to wallow in it would be wrong.

Anyway, I suppose thats all I will say for now. It helped to think some of this through to some sort of conclusion–the conclusion being that maybe I shouldn’t worry so much.

Complete 180

A new year and a new semester has brought with it some exciting changes–tender mercies. I moved to a new apartment, and it has done wonders. My new roommates are awesome guys, and we get along great. I find that being around them helps me feel more masculine, and has kept me on track in many ways. It was also nice to have a fresh academic start. Last semester I pretty much crashed and burned. It was not a pretty sight. But, I’m staying caught up, and actually enjoying my classes now. Anyway, this is a short post, but I figured I should update this thing more often.

Music and the Spoken Word

This Christmas season has been a difficult one. Never have I felt a stronger need to be with my family than this year. With the exception of my brother, all of my immediate family knows about my same-gender attraction, and they know that I have been going through a rough spot. So, I was longing to spend this Christmas surrounded by those who love me the most. Naturally, I was heartbroken when I learned that I was the one nominated to work Christmas day. I live 2 states away from my family, so that meant that I would have to wait until after Christmas to go home. I eventually came to grips with the situation, only to have more frustration piled upon it. My semester did not end very well. I’m just glad its over with. In addition, my boss still continues to put me off whenever I ask when I can have time off to go home. So, I have been a little miffed at life lately. The Christmas spirit hasn’t been very prevalent this season.

I have been wanting to make the early morning drive to Salt Lake to attend the weekly broadcast of “Music and the Spoken Word.” So, this past Sunday, I took the opportunity and went with a friend. Suffice it to say, it was JUST what I needed. I couldn’t help but weep as I found clarity in the praise of the One for whom we set aside this season. It was as if I was hearing the familiar carols for the first time, marveling at the wonder of the Savior’s birth.

The song that touched me the most clearly was “Once in Royal David’s City.” I’ve never paid much attention to the lyrics, but they are wonderful. I don’t plan on posting song lyrics all the time, but I can’t resist doing it once more.

Once in royal David’s city
Stood a lowly cattle shed,
Where a mother laid her baby
In a manger for His bed:
Mary was that mother mild,
Jesus Christ her little child.

He came down to earth from heaven,
Who is God and Lord of all,
And His shelter was a stable,
And His cradle was a stall;
With the poor, and mean, and lowly,
Lived on earth our Savior Holy.

And through all His wondrous childhood
He would honor and obey,
Love and watch the lowly Maiden,
In whose gentle arms He lay:
Christian children all must be
Mild, obedient, good as He.

For He is our childhood’s pattern;
Day by day, like us He grew;
He was little, weak and helpless,
Tears and smiles like us He knew;
And He feeleth for our sadness,
And He shareth in our gladness.

And our eyes at last shall see Him,
Through His own redeeming love;
For that Child so dear and gentle
Is our Lord in heaven above,
And He leads His children on
To the place where He is gone.

Not in that poor lowly stable,
With the oxen standing by,
We shall see Him; but in heaven,
Set at God’s right hand on high;
Where like stars His children crowned
All in white shall wait around.

The part that got me was “and he feeleth for our sadness, and he shareth in our gladness.” I am grateful for that comforting truth that the Lord truly understands what we undergo as mortals. He understands perfectly.

To top it all off…guess who else showed up? Right before the broadcast, everyone began to stand up, and my heart warmed as I saw President Monson walking up the front row, not 30 feet away from me. Needless to say, it was a perfectly fulfilling experience.

Sought When A Stranger?

For those of you who might be wondering why the blog is entitled “sought when a stranger,” it is a reference to a favorite hymn of mine. Granted, it seems to have become a favorite for many, so much so that it has been a bit over-played in some instances. Regardless, it has a great deal of meaning to me. Here are the lyrics:

Come, thou Fount of every blessing,
tune my heart to sing thy grace;
streams of mercy, never ceasing,
call for songs of loudest praise.
Teach me some melodious sonnet,
sung by flaming tongues above.
Praise the mount! I’m fixed upon it,
mount of thy redeeming love.

2. Here I raise mine Ebenezer;
hither by thy help I’m come;
and I hope, by thy good pleasure,
safely to arrive at home.
Jesus sought me when a stranger,
wandering from the fold of God;
he, to rescue me from danger,
interposed his precious blood.

3. O to grace how great a debtor
daily I’m constrained to be!
Let thy goodness, like a fetter,
bind my wandering heart to thee.
Prone to wander, Lord, I feel it,
prone to leave the God I love;
here’s my heart, O take and seal it,
seal it for thy courts above.

You may have noticed the line “Jesus sought me when a stranger.” There you have it! The source of my incredible title! I’ll bet you all wish you had thought of it yourselves.

Anyway, I chose that line because it touches a certain nerve with me. Same-gender attraction has given me a feeling of estrangement for the majority of my life. But, the Savior has consistently sought me out to bring me back to the fold. D&C 112:13 describes this perfectly:

“And after their temptations and much tribulation behold, I, the Lord, will feel after them, and if they harden not their hearts, and stiffen not their necks against me, they shall be converted and I will heal them.”

I have never realized it during the moment, but whenever I look back on the most difficult times of my life, I see the quiet hands of the Savior guiding me despite my stubborn feet and blind heart. For this, I am eternally grateful.

As a side note, there are 2 recordings of this hymn that I highly recommend.  The first is, of course, the Mormon Tabernacle Choir.  Mack Wilberg is a freakin’ genius.  In addition, Sufjan Stevens has a great version of this inspiring hymn, surprisingly enough.  Check it out.