Secret Pain

Over the past two weeks I’ve been doing something pretty emotionally stupid, and it finally came crashing down on me last night.  And the worst part is, I don’t feel like I have anyone to talk to about it.  I don’t even know HOW to talk about it.  I let myself develop feelings for someone, and it didn’t go very well.  Its my own fault, but it still hurts, and I don’t know how to let these emotions out in a healthy way.

It’s not so much that the other person hurt me, which they did, but its more that I allowed the experience to challenge many of my previous perceptions, and now that it’s over, I feel like I’m left without a leg to stand on.  And now I feel like I have to reexamine everything and figure out how I’m going to handle these feelings from now on–and it sucks.  It would be so much easier to just shut down and not think about anything, but it eats at you.  I wish all of my posts were hopeful and insightful, but I guess this is more for me to have a place to let this all out–even if it is somewhat abstract.

Anyway, I feel like I just need time to digest all of this.  But, right now it’s just a wee bit painful.  Where’s my spoonful of sugar?

I Get By With a Little Help From My Friends

Yesterday was an incredibly emotional day for me. I had been thinking a lot about life, and what I was doing with mine. I freaked out because I really didn’t know what I was doing with my life, as far as this issue goes. I’ve been challenged by new perspectives and influences, and it really unnerved me. Even though I have told my family, I have a hard time talking to them about my SSA issues, not because I don’t love them, but because its hard for them to understand (which is completely understandable…I don’t even understand it, but thats beside the point). Anyway, I ended up calling one of my good friends from the whole Alaska experience. We are fairly close, and I knew he would be understanding. It ended up being one of the best experiences I’ve had so far in telling people. For the first time, someone told me that all they care about is that I’m happy, and the rest doesn’t matter. For some reason, that struck me. My family is incredibly supportive, of course, but there seems to be this underlying current of fear that I’m going to go off the deep end–whatever that entails. Anyway, it was a great conversation, and I ended up feeling much better about life. He texted me this morning and asked if it was ok for him to tell his fiancee, who is also my good friend. I agreed. She called me later and took me to lunch. She told me that it changes nothing and that she loves me anyway. It was incredibly helpful and reassuring to have two people that I love support me like that.