Give Me Some Space

What a week this has been! I was in a major, MAJOR slump. I only went to two classes the entire week. But, I discovered that I have some great, supportive friends, including some new friends that I’ve made (you know who you are!). But, I am feeling a lot better today. Part of the reason I am feeling better is because of some great conversations I have had this past week that have helped me sort out some of my confusion. I’ve come to the realization that I REALLY just need to stop thinking about what others expect of me and find out what is best for me. I’ve been afraid to do this for a while, because when I step out of my normal routine, I feel like my family starts to freak out, thinking that I’m headed toward the dreaded gates of gayness. I just need some time and some space.   Some time to figure out what things really mean to me and where they belong in my life.  My life is like the current state of my room–pretty messy and disorganized.  Its time to do some spring cleaning!  My room could probably use some work too

The Things I Tell Myself

Let me be honest. I’m having a terrible day. Lately I’ve been making myself promises that I’ll do this or that, and I have let myself down a lot. I’m experiencing the pain of knowing that I’m not living up to what I know I should be doing. And that knowledge is just compounding, and making me upset with myself for not doing even the simplest things like homework, or getting up on time…not to mention all the bigger things I should be doing. I tell myself that things will get better, which I know they will, but I don’t do anything to make it happen. This is a pity post…I’m sorry. I could just use a hug.

I don’t know you…

I realize that this is an anonymous blog, so you don’t really know who I am…well, some of you do, but I would really be interested to know who actually takes the time to read this stuff.  I know of 3, and thats about it.  I’m just curious…so if you happen to stop by, leave a comment and say hello or say whatever you like.

The Long and Winding Road

First of all, I’m quite proud of myself for using another Beatles song as the title for my post. It just shows how awesome I am, doesn’t it?

Secondly, it really has been a long a winding road. To be perfectly honest, this semester has been a crappy one. I have almost completely shut down. I have decided that I’m done with that. Looking back at how I’ve dealt with things lately, I feel like I’ve been really immature. I did things in the name of “finding myself” that, in reality, just muddied the waters of my self-definition. But, through it all, I feel like I have a better idea of what I want.

I want to be someone that others can depend on. I want to be someone with standards and principles. I want to be someone who can take what life gives them and finds happiness regardless. I don’t want to be at the mercy of others’ expectations of me anymore. I think that’s where a lot of my unhappiness comes from. I invest a lot of my self-worth in fulfilling the expectations of others…especially my family. I realize that there are some expectations that are important and have great value, but many of them have no relevance to whether or not I am a good person or worthy of love. I had someone who knows about my same-gender attraction tell me recently, “if you ever decided to embrace the gay lifestyle, I would be completely devastated.” While I can understand the reasoning behind her position, it still hurt quite a bit. Not that I’m chomping at the bit to have someone tell me “do what you want,” so that I feel justified in going out and jumping off the high-dive of homosexuality. I can already see from what I’ve experienced that it is doubtful that I could ever find complete fulfillment in a homosexual relationship. But, its hard to be confident in my decisions when I get the feeling that someone would love me just a little bit less if I make a mistake.

I honestly don’t know where all this is going. I just feel like I’m at a point where I need to take stock of things. I know that I want to work on building up my spirituality again, but in a way where MY desires are the driving force and not the fear of not living up to what is expected of me.