Things on My Mind…

I just have a few random things on my mind…

I’ve been feeling much better in the past few days, as opposed to the slump I have been in lately.  Several different things have happened that have changed my perspective on things.  I’ve been trying to make some new friends.  For the past while I have been relying on a few close friends for my social life, especially my roommate.  Now, my roommate is one of my best friends, but we have a really different relationship.  We don’t really talk about anything.  He’s never told me, but I know for a fact he suffers from depression.  He doesn’t respond well to questions and usually cuts people off if they ask what is wrong.  And, on my end, I have never told him about my struggles with SSA, and I’m not sure if I ever will.  Anyway, I’m not sure if he has stopped taking his medication, or what the deal is, but all he ever does is sleep or watch TV when he’s not in class.  I have tried to help him get out and be active, but there’s only so much I can do, and its been bringing me down a lot as well.  Not that I’m blaming him, but when I’m going through my own struggles and I’m around someone who is depressed, it doesn’t do me a whole lot of favors.  So, I’ve been trying to make some new friends and get out more.  I struggle making friends, since I am a pretty introverted person, but the effort has helped quite a bit.

For a while, however, I felt pretty close to giving up.  Not really giving up as in going out and finding a boyfriend, but giving up by no longer trying.  No longer caring what is right and wrong.  But, I have felt slowly drawn back into the hopeful feeling that I can keep trying.  And this has led to several answers to my recent frustrations.  As I’ve started trying again and caring again, I’ve been happier.  I still struggle, but that feeling of emptiness and dark indifference has been greatly decreased.  I can see that trying is my answer.  As long as I’m trying, I will have help and will be able to find clarity.  Its only a step, but thats SO much better than where I have been.

I still have a lot of other random thoughts that I wanted to discuss, but I think I need to process them a bit more before I post anything on them.

You Ain’t Goin’ Nowhere

(thank you Bob Dylan)

I love rainy days, when I don’t have to be out in them. One of the reasons is the mood that descends which seems to naturally correspond with the weather. The mood is introspective, reflective, brooding, and oh, so human. I don’t know if there’s something wrong with me, or what, but I find such a release in this kind of mood.

Today, I have been in such a mood. However, the result has been more frustration than catharsis. The frustration is a result of a feeling of paralysis. I’m not moving in any direction right now. The frustration is quelled somewhat by simply identifying that fact. But, I keep thinking of the scripture where the Lord says “So then because thou art lukewarm and neither cold nor hot, I will spue thee out of my mouth.” (Rev. 3:16). I’ve been so lukewarm lately…simply surviving and existing, rather than living and choosing. I need to start making decisions. I have a lot more to say in this vein of thought, but I’m really having trouble finding a way to express what I mean…I’ll have to digest it some more and post again later.

Only somewhat related… I’ve been reading an excellent book. Its called, “The Art of Non-Conformity” by Chris Guillebeau. Now, I’ve never been one for “self-help” books, but this guy has some great ideas for living the kind of life that I’ve always imagined myself living… one that is chock full of life experience and doing good in the world. I highly recommend it. Check it out:

http://www.chrisguillebeau.com/

Self-Image Issues

There are days when I walk across campus and feel surrounded by good-looking guys. I feel terrible for looking at them. But, on top of that, I am plagued by the thought that, even if homosexuality was permissible, I wouldn’t have a chance with these guys anyway.

Now, I HATE admitting that I think that way. I feel like its important to have a healthy self-esteem, and I always get frustrated when I see other people who don’t think highly of themselves. But, when I look at myself, I have a hard time seeing myself as desirable.

As I’ve thought about my self-image, I’ve wondered if it has anything to do with the development of SSA. Now, I don’t know whether its nurture or nature, but I can see how it would be possible for me to develop an attitude of desire for something that I felt I lacked. I wasn’t athletic growing up, and I used to feel so disconnected from my male peers because I wasn’t good at sports and didn’t enjoy them. I long for that connection–to be able to consider myself as “one of the guys.” It seems especially difficult for me here in Provo, since there is this cookie-cutter image that I don’t fit into. On the one hand, I abhor the idea of fitting into that image, but it also feels kinda lonely out here on the peripheries.

I wish I could express this a bit better. I have just been thinking about this a lot, lately. I’d love to find a way to get past this issue. I know I have a lot to offer as a person. There are certain aspects of myself that I absolutely love. But, I have to admit that I have issues with my self-image.