There are days when I walk across campus and feel surrounded by good-looking guys. I feel terrible for looking at them. But, on top of that, I am plagued by the thought that, even if homosexuality was permissible, I wouldn’t have a chance with these guys anyway.
Now, I HATE admitting that I think that way. I feel like its important to have a healthy self-esteem, and I always get frustrated when I see other people who don’t think highly of themselves. But, when I look at myself, I have a hard time seeing myself as desirable.
As I’ve thought about my self-image, I’ve wondered if it has anything to do with the development of SSA. Now, I don’t know whether its nurture or nature, but I can see how it would be possible for me to develop an attitude of desire for something that I felt I lacked. I wasn’t athletic growing up, and I used to feel so disconnected from my male peers because I wasn’t good at sports and didn’t enjoy them. I long for that connection–to be able to consider myself as “one of the guys.” It seems especially difficult for me here in Provo, since there is this cookie-cutter image that I don’t fit into. On the one hand, I abhor the idea of fitting into that image, but it also feels kinda lonely out here on the peripheries.
I wish I could express this a bit better. I have just been thinking about this a lot, lately. I’d love to find a way to get past this issue. I know I have a lot to offer as a person. There are certain aspects of myself that I absolutely love. But, I have to admit that I have issues with my self-image.
