More Thoughts on Self-Image Issues

This is a topic I have struggled with a lot, lately. In my reflection on this issue, I have realized that one of my “beefs” with the gay scene is the utter shallowness and superficiality of it all. It is all about how toned you are, and how well you dress, and how physically attractive you are. Which, is a natural consequence of pursuing a desire which is based in the shallow drive of lust. It is also an attempt to bolster self-esteem by elevating oneself above another by virtue of one’s physical appearance and association with other “good-looking” individuals. Granted, I struggle with this issue because I don’t fit into the “adonis” category or even the “boy-next-door” category, and perhaps I might be less inclined to consider the superficiality of it all, if I did fit into those categories. I would hope that my integrity as a human being and as a child of God would lead me to the same conclusion, though… that there is little room in the typical gay scene for those who aren’t GQ material–evidence of its worldly and depthless foundations. It is interesting to note that many of the people in the gay community who are campaigning for the opportunity to be seen as equals do not even regard each other as such.

Anyway, because of this emphasis on looks, many of the mistakes I have made have been quite damaging to my self-image. I find myself constantly comparing myself to other men, wishing I was leaner, more athletic, taller, tanner, more articulate and so on… I box myself in to some sort of social strata based on my own looks compared to others, and I feel uncomfortable interacting with those who I feel are more attractive than I am. I am realizing how unfortunate this is. I rob myself of opportunities and healthy, rewarding relationships because I can’t get past my own insecurities. A quote from a talk by Merril J. Christiansen helped me understand this issue:

“Comparison of our weaknesses with others’ talents or of our talents with those who are truly gifted can be discouraging and may decrease our sense of self-worth. Such comparison may lead to the sins of envy and ingratitude as we focus on and fret about what we don’t have rather than on what we have been given. Compulsive comparison can rob us of the enjoyment we might still experience in the expression of the talents we have been given and in the talents of others. The ability to rejoice in the successes and talents of others increases our capacity for happiness and joy as we experience those feelings each time someone we know succeeds.”

He also says:

“Those who view their contemporaries as competitors to be beaten rather than as brothers and sisters to be served often believe that others’ successes diminish their own. They are therefore more apt to find and point out faults of those around them. Such critics run the risk of losing friends, who may wonder what the critic says to others about them. In contrast, we are commanded not only to “cease to find fault one with another” (D&C 88:124) but also to “strengthen your brethren in all your conversation” (D&C 108:7).”

Despite the fact that he references talent and ability, rather than physical attributes, the lesson can be applied the same. By comparing myself to others, I am robbing myself of the joy of being myself, and of truly seeing and appreciating the best in others. Regardless of whether I see myself as more or less attractive (or more or less talented) than someone, I should regard them and treat them as the Savior would. The Kingdom of God is deep and eternal, and there is room for all of God’s children. I can be tall or short, chubby or slender, tan or freckled… I will still be loved and appreciated and valued.

Crash and Burn…and Learn

I had a “crash and burn” day today. Things had been going really well. But, for some reason, I had some very strong feelings of self-doubt that I couldn’t shake. Instead of working through the feelings, I shut out the pain and acted out. It was a bad spell, too. I didn’t go to class, and I got almost nothing accomplished today. After acting out, I felt terrible. My recent efforts seemed all for naught, and I considered retreating back into apathy and indifference. But, with a little reflection, and the help of good friends with whom I was able to talk about what happened, I feel like I can use today as a learning experience.

First of all, the healing process is a PROCESS. Its not going to happen all at once. And I need to be aware of the progress I’m making and maintain a positive attitude. I also thought about my commitment to the healing process. Do I really want to change my behavior? Am I willing to do what it takes? Am I willing to give up the things that are making me unhappy, despite the fact that they bring me temporary pleasure? I need to make healing a priority and be proactive in seeking the healing power of the Atonement. In addition, I learned today about the power of asking for help. I could have very easily fallen back into another slump today. But, the wonderful people that I turned to were able to help me see past this, and realize that there’s still hope for change. I guess the important thing in all of this is that, in spite of a rough day today, I’m going to keep moving, and I’m going to be okay.

Holy Holy Holy

This song brought me a lot of comfort the other day. I was able to simply forget myself and reflect on the glory of God. Things haven’t been easy lately, but I wonder if I might take that as a good sign. I am coming out of a long period of apathy. Things are easy when you’re apathetic. But, apathy has no other reward. The lack of pain also brings with it a lack of joy, a lack of love, a lack of genuine feeling. I have many things to repent of, and the apathy was meant to be a refuge from the shame and hurt caused by these things. I still have many miles to go on the path of repentance, but this simple song of praise was a much needed reminder that I don’t have to be perfect or at any certain point along the path to praise my God or to show gratitude for His everlasting mercy.

I have been inconceivably blessed. There are days when I curse the fact that I must deal with this issue. And then Heavenly Father reminds me that I don’t have to do it alone. I have some wonderful people in my life to support me. And He always knows when I might need a friendly text or a chance meeting with a friend on campus. I usually withdraw when I’m feeling ashamed and depressed, but I’ve discovered just how important it is to reach out and ask for help at those times. Not only from friends, but from Heavenly Father. Expressing what I’m feeling and thinking to someone who genuinely cares is essential to preventing the slumps that I’ve been getting myself into.

Like I said before, things haven’t been easy, but I feel so much better for trying.